Capital Life Works

The other day, a woman I had just met asked me what I did for a living.  (The first question everyone in DC asks.)  I told her I was a life coach.  The blank expression on her face was an indication that I needed to qualify my answer. (Something I’ve gotten used to doing.) 

In an attempt to keep things simple, I told her I help people finding ways to manage their lives.  For instance, I help people develop a comfortable work-life balance.  Right then, she interjected and vehemently stated that it would be impossible for her to have a work-life balance. Her job was too important and required too much of her time.

My response to her was that she already had a work-life balance.  Everyone who works and has a life has one. The question is whether a person is comfortable with her work-life balance and, if not, what might she do to achieve a better fit?  The more comfortable the balance, the less resistance a person experiences in her life.  It cuts down on the struggle. 

She then volunteered to tell me she thought having a work-life balance meant spending half of her time/energy at work and the other half on her personal life.  I might have been surprised to hear that had I not read so many coaching blogs and learned that a number of people share her definition of work-life balance.  

I told her there were no ratio requirements.  I also explained that, in this respect, the word “balance” did not mean equal in portion. It was a matter of proportioning your time and energy in accordance with your values and priorities.  You create a lifestyle that is in balance with, and actually a reflection of, what you feel is important in life and what you need and want out of life.

For a few seconds, she scrunched her face into a contemplative expression.  Then she said she didn’t believe it was possible to just create a lifestyle because “life comes with obstacles”.  I told her she was right.  Knowing what you want doesn’t mean you will automatically get it.  More often than not, a person has to work at achieving their desired work-life balance. It’s a process requiring patience, persistence and, most importantly, self-awareness.  Still, it is a fundamental part of your lifestyle.

My words were provoking more scrunching. I decided to provide an example of what I was trying to convey.  I told her about a recent client of mine who had been experiencing conflict in her life. My client was a seasoned, talented, high-salaried professional who was feeling gravely anxious and frustrated. It was obvious that she had a work-life imbalance and that an adjustment was in order, but it had to be the right adjustment.

When we started working together, my client was somewhat aware of what she did not want in her life, and completely unaware of what she did want. Without being able to identify her true values and priorities, there was no meaningfully connection between them and her lifestyle. The basis for establishing a comfortable work-life balance did not exist. 

We needed to work on her self-awareness, and she needed to start at the very beginning. Dutifully, she went back to the basics, which meant mindfully contemplating the material and non-material aspects of life. This is important and necessary work and one of the greatest self-awareness tasks a person can undertake. However, for anyone who has become disconnected to, or who needs to determine, his or her true values and priorities it is an essential exercise.

Very soon, my client was able to make sense of her conflict.  She had spent years working long days and giving herself to her job in order to prove herself and climb the corporate ladder.  During which time she developed some serious work habits.  At some point, her core values and priorities had shifted. However, it was not until she went through her self-awareness exercise that she realized she no longer needed to climb the ladder; prove herself to anyone; or work crazy hours.

She devoted herself to breaking her old work habits, and became aware of opportunities and options for re-adjusting her work-life ratio.  All of which took patience (with herself), persistence, and continual exercises in developing self-awareness.  Making these types of lifestyle changes is not something you accomplish overnight. Doing so requires you  change your thinking and behavior – which are habitual.  Breaking a habit is a process that fuses difficulties, false starts and stops, and victories. It takes time to develop a new “comfortable” zone.

As a footnote, I mentioned that different people have different circumstances and situations in their lives, but the formula for attaining balance was the same.  For example, I worked with a client who needed to find new a new job, which was definitely a priority in his life. Unfortunately, he had gotten into the habit of focusing more on what he could not do than what he could do. As a result, he was not spending nearly enough time and energy on meeting his priority, and he didn’t realize how he was contributing to his problem until he started to develop his self-awareness.  Only then was he able to re-focus his time and energy and take truly proactive steps towards getting a job.  Once he got moving, it was not long before he was successful. 

By now, the woman I was speaking with was staring intently at me.  I reminded her of what she had said earlier in our conversation that her job “required too much of her time”.  I asked, “Did you really mean that literally?  Are you cool with that?”  She rolled her eyes and informed me that she “wasn’t into that self-awareness stuff”.  She seemed uncomfortable.  I changed the subject.

Tags: awareness, balance, habits, lifestyle, manage, priorties, self-awareness, time and energy, values, work-life balance

Categories: Managing Your Life, Your Career  |  2 Comments »